Just finish reading 'yage letter' describe a junky on exile and got lucky with ayahuasca. It's been a year since my experience. Still I remember most of that night. I want to write it down so I can remember and celebrate My experience of death and rebirth
I went to drink the vine of soul without knowing what it will do to me. Me and 2 Russian arrive in a rounded hut. It was made from clay with window on the roof. There were two shaman. The younger one can't speak much English. The older shaman decide he was going to facilitate the night for us the last mins. (Lucky for me!!) the older shaman's name mean-show the path.
The round room had around 8 mattress. Near each mattress is a roll of toilet paper and a plastic bucket. It was a night of full moon and it was chill. We start off with a ceremony. We picked a coca leave each to represent our gift and offering to puchamana. The younger shaman lay down a tradition cloth. He divided the cloth into four section represent four god. The sun, puchamana, the spirit of animal and our ancestor. He chanted and took our coca leave into the wind.
Then older shaman came. He sat in the middle and we picked our bed for the night. He took out a coke bottle fill with brown looking liquid. We got a shot glass each. It tasted like Chinese medicine when I was a kid. In the next 30 mins we had a group talk. I had a question, but really I didn't know what was my real question. I got pretty confused. He told us to lay down. he turn the light off and light a candle for us.
I can feel something is effecting me. I am a strong person and always in charge of myself. Not having control of myself sometimes scares me and that's why I dislike drugs. The shaman came over and said to me: let it go. It's full moon tonight and power is strong.
So I did. Let my mind run wild. Younger shaman started to play instrument. It was beautiful. Color came to me, bright and vivid, like the sun with a mix of orange and green. The color is moving. Such a strange vision which I never experienced before. Then goes the nauseous and vomiting. ' Let it all go.' The old shaman said to me: let all the negative go. I thought: do I really have a choice in this?'
Few vomiting later. I lay down again. Color came back to me. I start to giggle. I felt happy and cheerful. Then there goes the vomiting again. I heard laughers from the girl next bed. The candle is flicking, casting shadows everywhere. The music plays on. Different type of instrument. I saw color dancing with the music. Flowing slowly.
As the time pass, green yellow turned dark. I hold on to my Buddha bee. The bright color came back to me. Then slowly everything turn dark again. Then over time the moving dark color turn into dark snake like. I was scared and hopeless and the darkness is coming for me, and I fear. Must be the dark side of me I thought. I can't move, can't talk or asking for help. I saw naked woman dancing. I wish someone would help.
Here came the old shaman. He start to sing a song just over my head. He came to my aid. He knew I needed help. His song brought back the color and i start giggle and be happy again. I won't know what to do without him.
Hour may pass. The old shaman came over and told me he has a message for me. He told me that my ancestors want me to burn incense for them. What a strange thing to say I thought. Then I thought of my grandma and my grandpa. I remember where I was when they pass away. Then I start crying Uncontrollably. Mix emotions came to me. My grief - my family - people I love. I thought I lost them all. I thought I was alone. (For over 18 years, life been unhappy and I didn't understand why).
I didn't know how long I cried until I finish whole roll of paper and asked for another. There is liquid came out of eye, nose and mouth. I laughed while crying told shaman how disgusting it was I lay over my wet hair with stuff coming out of me.
The vision came to me and told me how I can be happy. Wola magic. My Problem solved. That easy after 18 years.
When the crying finally stopped, I felt physically sick from hunger. The pain felt like I was about to die. At least by now I can control my vision. Vision of lots of chocolate cake flew around. I thought: I am sick of this hallucination. I just want sleep. Not long after that I fall asleep. The music played for hours. When I fall asleep, shaman put a few more blanket on me.
Wake up in the morning, I was hungry and dizzy. Fuck this I thought: I never going to touch and drug in my life. Not even drink beer. I went in shaman's house next door. Shaman offered me a piece of bread.
I didn't know how it worked. When we grow up. We get damaged as time and event happen to us. Those little damaged takes a bit of our soul with it. Only over one night, I was able somehow reach into the other level of consciousness. Reach out to collect them. Feeling of completeness and connection with the mountain and earth. I can't help smiling for weeks no end. The world isn't the world I knew and I wasn't the me I knew. It's like I learned the secret of the universe. And for a while I was part of the universe. I was in heaven.
Would I ever take it again?
Yes if I need to. For me, dying once in this life time is enough.
Now that voice in my head can tell me what to do. For now I can say after 33 years. I am finally happy. Now I understand why old shaman is called showing the path.
